Thousands of years ago, medicine men all over the world used mushrooms to heal illnesses: both mental and physical. But in the modern world, they are feared. Reviled. Illegalized. And no, of course, I'm not speaking about chanterelles or shiitakes.
I'm not into recreational drugs. I never felt the urge to try ecstasy or cocaine or even LSD. But for a long time, magic mushrooms had intrigued me. I experienced magic truffles in the Netherlands, and it was interesting. However, I was searching for a plant teacher, not a psychedelic trip. I had also micro-dosed shrooms, but it didn't seem to have an effect other than the wooziness I get from marijuana, which I don't really like. So, when I finally got the opportunity to go on a journey with magic mushrooms, I jumped at it.
Preparation
From my previous experiences with Wuachuma and Magic Truffles, I knew that it was a good idea to have food and drink available to combat possible nausea. You eat the shrooms on an empty stomach to help the spirit teacher access your inner being without having to wade through a cloud of digestion. Light foods like fruits and crackers are a good idea. I had peaches, bananas, crackers, plus freshly squeezed lemon juice.
I took a shower to cleanse my body. I cleared the space with white sage and palo santo. I said a prayer and set my intention, which was to open my heart chakra for unconditional love and forgiveness toward myself and all others. I also called on my spirit guides and animals to accompany me on this journey. I played shamanic ayahuasca ceremony music on my phone.
And then I ate the mushrooms.
The Visions
I lay on the couch with my eyes closed. At first, I only saw tiny black-and-white visuals with pops of color. What was interesting, and very different from my previous experiences with Ayahuasca and Wuachuma, was that there were a lot of different things going on at the same time, as if the shrooms affected a completely different part of the brain.
After a while, I got a bit disappointed. If all that was going to happen was seeing visuals, then shrooms definitely were not for me. I'm not interested in recreational drugs. But I kept reminding myself that mushrooms have been used by shamans for millennia and that they are, in fact, spiritual teachers.
It was late at night, so I thought I might as well go to bed if all I'm going to experience is visuals, however fascinating they may be.
Whenever my mind went to dark places, scary images appeared. But I could easily change them with a positive thought.
The scary visions were of skulls and demons, mostly.
And that was my first lesson: My mood affects how I see the world!
Dance, Baby, Dance!
I was feeling a little nauseous, so I got up to eat something. It had been more than nine hours since my last meal. I had half a peach and some lemon juice, and then I started dancing to the Ayahuasca music. Then I was thirsty. I drank. Danced. Then I was hungry. I took another bite of the peach. I was too full. I had to dance. Then I was thirsty. Drank. Ate. Too full. Had to dance again.
Time disappeared. Or stretched. I didn't know if I had taken one hundred bites of that peach, or just one or two.
Every time my gaze landed on the kitchen clock, the time hadn't changed. It felt like all my actions, everything that happened, was on repeat.
Once in a while, as I danced, I stopped to look at my hands. They had a mesh-like pattern, and I saw colorful strobes everywhere. But this only happened when I stopped and focused on something.
Who is telling me what to do, and who is criticizing me?
I realized I kept wagging my finger as if reproaching myself for not remembering how much I had eaten, or having to drink again, or whatever. Which made me wonder: what does this mean?
I felt as if I were split into three personalities: The Ego (critical, wagging the finger), The Me (doer), and the Soul (observer).
I started asking myself questions like, "Do I actually want to eat this?" and "Do I want to go back to bed?" What did I really want, and what had I been conditioned to want or think?
At one point, I looked out of the window and thought: "Oh my god, this city is so ugly. What am I doing here?" But almost immediately I changed it to, "Everywhere is nice!"
Laughing at Demons, and Talking to Jesus
I kept laughing. Even when demons appeared in the dark end of a hallway. It was as if I was thinking, "Nice try!" For some reason, I was also speaking a lot to Jesus and Our Father (as in God), even though I'm not religious. I didn't see them or hear them, it was just something that came out of my mouth. Not in a "save me" way, just "hello there."
I was sooo cold. Tired. And sooo thirsty. I tried going back to bed, but then I got up because I had to drink water. And dance.
I figured the demons who were hiding in the shadows were called forward by the Ayahuasca ceremony music, and that's also what gave me nausea, so I changed it to heart-opening dance music. But that didn't feel right, either.
I turned the music off.
Confusion & Laughter—And That Non-Stop Analytical Mind
At this point, reality became confusing. I wasn't really sure what was real and what wasn't. I reminded myself that I had taken mushrooms but I also analyzed everything that was going on and tried to compartmentalize everything as my own thoughts or, "it's just a meditation."
The floor tiles were cold, and I kept thinking I had peed on the floor, which I hadn't. And that made me laugh. In fact, everything was funny.
My Favorite Place in the World: The Bathroom
I was extremely thirsty all the time, so I drank a lot of water. Which meant I had to go to the bathroom a lot. I had read somewhere that it's a bad idea to look at yourself in the mirror after taking shrooms, so I kept the bathroom in complete darkness.
As I sat on the toilet, I was amazed at how beautiful everything was. I just loved life. I loved everything! I loved the sense of space. All the faint lights (from the outlet buttons, switches, etc.) looked like little fires. They reflected in the glass shower door.
I sat on the floor and thought, "This is the best room ever; my favorite!"
Then a discussion began between myself and me, out loud. "You don't have to brush your teeth if you don't want to." "But I want to." "It's okay not to do it."
And then deeper questions, like "Who am I?" "Who are you talking to?" "Stop talking so much, and listen, instead." I don't know what the answers were, but I did definitely understand that I'm not just the physical Kristi. I'm also spirit. And, of course, one with all.
At one point, I started singing Alanis Morrisette's, "Be a good girl, you've gotta try a little harder. It wasn't good enough to make us proud." And it rang so true. I'm always working so hard to prove to myself and others that I'm good enough. But I always put myself down. And sometimes, others do, too.
Time, He's Waiting in the Wings
Once I exited the bathroom, the circular motions of being thirsty, drinking, feeling hungry, eating, feeling too full, and dancing, continued. I got extremely annoyed with all the clocks. Time stood still at 11:50 PM.
A new song entered my thoughts: David Bowie's "Time." I sang along to the tune in my head, "Time, he's waiting in the wings, he speaks of senseless things, his script is you and me, boy."
I laughed so much, that I ended up on the floor. A shadow in the ceiling, from the kitchen lamp, looked like Big Ben.
Meeting Otherworldy Entiries: Spirit Helpers
A female spirit, possibly my higher self, appeared. She told me I'm afraid of losing control, and that's why I haven't been able to reach the next stage of enlightenment. I need to confront my demons. But every time I saw the demons, I started laughing. Although I know now, that I was afraid of what would happen if I approached them and listened to what they had to say.
I couldn't stop laughing. I felt so silly, lying on the floor, speaking to spirit. What if someone would see me? But that just made me laugh even more.
At long last, the giddiness started to wear off and I got tired. I went to bed, where I continued watching the visuals for some time until I finally fell asleep.
Interestingly, all night long, someone else was there. Possibly this female spirit guide. A benevolent spirit. And ever since that night, I've felt the presence of someone. I see a shadow in the corner of my eye.
Lessons I Learned from the Mushroom Teacher:
My mood affects how I see the world! If I think positively, good things happen, and everything is beautiful, even the "ugly" things and "evil"people.
I'm not just the physical Kristi. I'm The Ego (critical), The Me (doer), and the Soul (observer).
I don't have to try harder. I'm good enough just the way I am
I have to let go of control (confront my demons) if I want to reach enlightenment
I need to listen more, not just speak
Thank you for reading about my journey, and for letting me be vulnerable with you.
With deepest gratitude,
Kristi
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